I was talking to a friend recently and he's majoring in Psychology and there were some interesting points that where bought up. So you've been cheated on. It's devastating; like being kicked in the gut and thrown into the gutter. You can't eat or function at work. Or maybe you're up all night watching old movies, bawling, and eating pints of Ben and Jerry's. Discovering your partner's affair gives you such heartache and pain that you doubt you'll ever recover.
But when the cheater tries hard to win you back, some questions loom large: Should you forgive him/her? Is this cheater going to cheat again? You may feel torn; perhaps wanting to take your remorseful partner back, but you feel like it's a point of pride not to. You may want to drop the cheater altogether, dive into an online personals pool, and start looking for a more loyal significant other.
No doubt about it, it's difficult to deal with a cheater, and you're not alone. Research shows that even among married couples, cheating is relatively common: about 22% of men and 13% of women cheat. According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as "happy" with their marriage have affairs.
But the good news is this:
Some couples who share strong chemistry can actually work through the crisis of an affair. Not only that, they can become closer and put an end to cheating once and for all. In some cases, couples can learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane, otherwise known as the aftermath of an affair.
Of course, there are promiscuous players who will cheat and cheat and cheat again. These are the ones you truly have to stay away from. How do you tell if you're dealing with a chronic cheater?
Here are five signs that may indicate a former cheater is not a chronic case and that the relationship still has hope:
1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated. Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them. He/she accepts total blame for his/her betrayal.
2. Your partner cuts off all contact with the relationship perpetrator.
3. He/she shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.
4. You wind up having deep, open, and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, including what was missing in it and how you'd like it to progress.
5. Your partner wants psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to improve your relationship.

If the former cheater shows these signs and you can forgive him/her, consider taking your partner back. Yet, be aware that taking your partner back carries one caveat: There's a possibility your partner will slip back into infidelity.
And just how do you know if the cheating has resurfaced?
1. Here are some common signs that may indicate secret betrayal:
2. He/she works late a lot.
3. He/she suddenly takes trips you aren't invited to go on.
4. He/she spends too much time with hobbies that don't include you.
5. You get mysterious phone calls with hang-ups.
6. You find bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items.
7. Intimacy in your relationship dramatically decreases.
8. He/she grows more distant or agitated than usual.
Prepare yourself emotionally for the chance that you may become a victim of an affair again, but don't expect it. You've chosen to forgive your partner, so let bygones be bygones. But if you uncover another affair, it's time to protect yourself from any further heartbreak by breaking up with this hurtful person immediately. Move on and don't let this unfaithful person ruin your future relationships. Leave your anger and sorrow behind; it's not only fair to your next partner, but beneficial to your psychological well-being and your potential to bond with a better partner. Keep your spirits high, because there are wonderful new matches waiting out there.
In sum, if your partner strays, it doesn't absolutely mean he/she will do it again. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't necessarily true. Forgiving and reuniting is an option. If you've been betrayed but want to see if it can work, go ahead and work on it. Just keep in mind that you've decided to take a risk, and don't let paranoia get the best of you. But at the same time, pay attention to your partner's behavior so you can spot which way the train is heading!

Depends. If they betrayed me innocently (ie. without knowing it) then i might. But if they knew what they did and they still did it then that's unforgiveable.

I had this friend and while me and her weren't like "bffs" we still talk, then one day she started talking crap about me behind my back. It's funny because she's telling all my best friends stuff about me that she made up. And it wasn't until recently I realized that she likes this guy that I like as well, but she doesn't know I like (or liked) him. Goes to show that sometimes people would backstab you for something really stupid.

If they do a cutthroat thing to you then it shouldn't be about forgiveness but rather what kind of person they are, to get something they'll want to step over anyone. That's the unforgiveable part.

xx

If I was in your position, I feel if it was only the few occasions then I would be able to forgive her.
But being that it has being going on for five years behind your back I would possibly be able to forgive but I would never be able forget.
Nor would I ever be able to trust her again.

I guess it all depends on how much you loved her to begin with.

I probably couldn't bring myself to. I have major trust issues, and when someone loses my trust they usually have lost it for good. It really depends on you as a person, though, whether or not you choose to forgive. Like Jasmine said before me, forgive... but I'd never ever be able to forget a thing like that. It'd really break the trust in the relationship though, and I'm a firm believer that trust is the foundation for all successful relationships.

Drusila

I don't think I could forgive, for me relationship is build on trust and therefore If you can't trust the person you love then there is no meaning in having an relationship. I think that cheating is the worst thing you can do to a person that loves you if you want to meet someone new then end your old realationship and explain everything that way everything will work out better than if you cheat. And I don't think anyone should be afraid of hurting the partner since either way you end the relationship or cheat you will hurt the person which loves you. It is a matter of choose the least painful thing.

I totally agree. If you love someone then you shouldn't cheat on them. Period. Otherwise you don't really love that person nor are you committed to them. Simple as that. I would not forgive.

The only thing I can think of when it comes to betrayl is to forgive and forget.

Forgive the person, and forget the person. Don't carry that burden on your shoulder if it's someone else's fault.

xoxo

Depends on what he did to betray me!

Some act that means a lot or not to me.

I would also have to agree with everyone here. Although not forgiving is totally up to you. For a relationship to go that long without knowing, there obviously was a missing link. I understand the decision you made, and I personally wouldn't know what to do except just forgive but not forget and take this as something to be aware in the future and as a learning experience. We all trip and fall sometimes, I am not big on relationships myself. I hope things work out for both of you.

Betrayal is like a lie. you gave someone the trust and in return wad you get is pain.
you felt hurt and you may hate the person to the core, thinking why did she do that ? am i not good enough ? WHY AM I THE UNLUCKY ONE ??!!
random qns will just pop up. you felt lost. and got veh sian...moody... and lost interest in life. you may feel veh tired of life too and feel like gng back to the happy times with her.
wad hurt people most is misplaced their trust and to gain their trust back is HARD. thus, i felt you did the right thing of rejecting her. who knows she maybe having another affair after patching back ?? if she really loves u, she will not be see another person while you and her are tgt. but it is really weird how humans are?? (a random qn thot to myself)

it is bits and pieces of life. juz accept it and BE OPTIMISTIC (MOST IMPORTANTT !). take it as a lesson. AND don't be afraid to FALL IN LOVE again. IT IS GREAT to fall in love.. but choose your partner correctly. =D

take cares and stay happy always. =)

If my girlfriend kissed another guy i would forgive her but it would take sometime anything beyond that it a definite no.

Basically I hate people who betrayed me. Trust isn't something to twist around.
But he/she says that he/she feels sorry and promises not to do it again, I might forgive him/her. Of course, it's case by case. If my boyfriend betrays me, I'll kick him right away. I'll forgive but I'm not willing to accept him back.

Depends I suppose of how important it was, how big of an ego do we have and such. I would probably say rash things that later on I would feel sorry for, but nevertheless after calming I would probably analyze the situation, and either forgive the person and attempt to move on or simply don`t.
Moving on is the way thought, its not healthy dwelling on things.
Its not pleasant being betrayed but that rarely happened to me.
I would use the "Learn from out mistakes" line but then again.. not right.. if we went with that statement it would simply mean we should stop trusting people or something.
So I guess trust but simply careful who you trust. I usually go with my instincts. Failed me only once ^^

Ouch, sorry to hear that story.

& It really depends on the situation and your character.
Based on my character, It'd take me quite some time to forgive a person if they had betrayed me for 5 years.

But even if I do forgive the person, I feel that I will hesitate if I ever need to trust him/her again. It's just my character :)

Those who stab the heart with sadness and betrayal shall not be forgiven

but forgiveness is possible but at the cost of trust

perfection can only be gain after critical moments

That sucks.

Well, someone probably already said this, but it's probably best for the both of you, since she doesn't seem to care much about you at all. I mean if she did she wouldn't have cheated. It's easy for me to say since I'm not the victim, but I feel for you, even though it's been three months, but time heals all wounds.