Alright. I've been working on this story for just a month or so but I wanted to get some peoples opinions about it. This is just a part of the story, I can't really say its the beginning, although it sounds like it is. Anyway just let me know what you guys think of it and if you want to know more just message me or something.


I’m not sure where he came from. I can’t even be sure he wasn’t always there; just waiting for the right time to come out. ‘Would you take revenge if given the power? Would you act if given chance? I can give it to you. I can give you release,’ Those were the words he first spoke to me. I say spoke but I didn’t “hear” them, it was more like “felt” them. When did he first appear? When was it that my life changed? Not all that long ago. I guess I should start from the very beginning and to do that I’ll have to start with Her.

It all began when I met her. You know who I’m talking about; that one person that could make your legs buckle with just a whispered word or with a solitary look make you feel like you could join the birds in the sky. I finally found her when I was still in college and after weeks of trying to persuade her to give me even a little of her time she consented to a single date. I pulled all the strings I could manage to prepare for this crucial moment and prepared constantly until everything was perfect. When the time came I picked her up and off we went and all that preparation and forethought I put so much effort into crumbled before it even had a chance to help me. I was embarrassed and crestfallen. Thinking that it was over and that there was no way to salvage this failed attempt she turned to me and flashed the most dazzling smile the world has ever known. It was then that I knew I had found the one, the one that I would cherish for the rest of my life, the one I would live for, the one I would die for. I put my heart in her hands that night and every night after that for a year and a half and she kept it safe there.

I went to her apartment one day, after class. We had a fight the night before and I had felt the need to apologize. I walked in like I did so many times before. ‘Odd’ I thought because the door was open and her coat was still there next to the door but the lights were all off. I flipped them on revealing the room I stood in and my blood ran cold. The room was in shambles. It looked as if a brawl had broken out in there. A sound came from the back rooms, it sounded like a voice. Another answered in short order. ‘No, this can’t be happening. Please tell me she’s okay,’ I prayed silently. I started toward the back rooms, part of me screaming at me to turn and run but the other side, the one I agreed with, told me to find her, to make sure she wasn’t here, that she wasn’t hurt. I eased down the hall, hearing now more clearly the voices coming from the back, from the bedroom, her bedroom. I eased down the hallway, stepping carefully as not to warn the two of my presence.

The door was half open and I could see into the room, I could see on the bed. I could see her and she could see me, or could have seen me for her eyes held no light and the slash across her throat allowed for no breath. The world dropped away from me and I stood in a world of darkness. I could still see her. I just stood there staring at her, at the eyes that I loved so much, at the shape of her face and the color of her hair. I remembered all the times I would just sit and watch her, the way she made me feel complete and whole.

As I stood there, seeing her exposed and lifeless, I felt something snap inside of me. It was an odd sensation. I have felt anger but only as one would feel the heat from a fire, I would recoil as soon the heat became too intense but this time I plunged myself heedlessly into the heart of that fire. I accepted it, relished it, and fueled it with my own being. That’s when he first appeared, that’s when out of that darkness that was crashing in on my soul I heard his voice. He told me that I could have revenge, that all I had to do was to let go and let him slip into my skin. I stood alone in the dark, I heard the two men still talking about what to do with the body. I heard the snide remarks about the “fun” they had with her and how they wished they hadn’t killed her so soon, she would have helped past the time. I turned inward once more and looking into that darkness I spoke my answer, ‘Yes’.

I only have one problem,
IT WAS JUST STARTING TO GET GOOD AND YOU STOPED!!!!
It a little, ruff but it is interesting and I want to know more. What comes necks, does he get revenge? What happens?

You just have to know what comes next, you leave us hanging.

WRITE MORE!!!

Yay, it´s so... great, The story let me frozen, I want to know waht happens next, really, you write quite well ^^

Blah, i replied on this in general but it got locked lol. I wanna know what happens next too >.<

Me too i wanna know what happen next... :D

Wow...I'm really glad you guys like it. Anyway here's the next little bit. Its a little different from what I had originally but I think this version fits a lot better with the overall story. Sorry if there are grammar mistakes and mistypes I just finished writing this revamped version.

The world snapped back into view and I was once again in the hallway but apparently I had brought back with me something from the darkness. I felt it stir within me, deep down, in the place that feels only the strongest of emotions. I felt it squirm and twist, fighting to break free. I felt it tear free from its bonds and with that sensation came warmth. It started in the pit of my stomach and radiated out to my finger tips. It tingled and delighted my skin and filled me calm but suddenly it turned into an inferno.

I threw my head back against the shock of it and a piercing cry fled from my lips. The stirrings in my stomach became violent and made me nauseas. My knees buckled as the two men plowed into the hallway. It felt like I was on fire and the world was spinning around so that I couldn’t stand up even if I had the strength. Still that thing that was inside me yearned to be free, I could still feel it with in the depths of my soul but now instead of fighting to get out; it was fighting to get in.

The pain I was feeling was something that I had never felt before. It was as if someone had plunged their hand into my midsection and started to twist my innards. My skin burned furiously and that heat started to seep into my bones, even my eyes felt like they were aflame. All the while the world continued to spin. I would see the room, then the bed, then the face of one of the men, back to the room. I could hear them talking but didn’t understand a word, so great was the pain. I saw that one of them had a bat in their hands, the other a wicked looking knife.

The one with the knife walked over to me and pulled my head up by the hair. I looked into his eyes and saw not hatred or malice, but laughter, enjoyment. “Master Grayhelm sends his regards,” he said to me. He lifted the knife high above his head. ‘No,’ I raged, ‘NOOO! You promised me! You promised you’d help me!’ The knife began its decent, gathering speed as it went. I watched it come, I watched as the blade came crashing down but in that instant, in that fraction of a second, I felt that thing from the darkness break the final barrier.

A numbing cold rushed in, dosing the fire that burned through me. It calmed my stomach and gave strength greater than what I lost. I felt it rush up my spine and into my eyes, growing even colder. I looked back up at the knife. I watched it as it fell…slowly, ever more slowly than before. I didn’t waste any time. I rolled out of the way, the man’s hand pulling some of my hair out as I pulled my head away. I felt, strong, powerful, but graceful as well. I was next to the door as I watched the knife once again pick up speed. I struck the floor with an almighty ‘Thud’ where I should have been.

The man with the knife stood up sharply, looking around as if he had lost something. He looked to his partner who was awestruck. ‘Now is the time,’ Adune called to me, ‘Now is when you avenge her.’ I look at them both for a second more, and then I shut the door loudly. The two turn with a start and stare blankly at me. “How…how…” one stuttered. I smile, it’s a wicked smile, “Magic,” I say and in an instant I’m standing in front him with my hand around his throat. “And now for my next trick,” my smile gone, “I’m going to make you disappear.”

The walls are sprayed with blood as I rip the man’s larynx out. I feel the blood spill down my front, warm and brilliantly red. I let my grip relax and he drops to floor dead. I turn to the other one; he’s still holding the bat but it’s in limp hands. I stare at him for a second, but it’s my reflection in the mirror behind him that gets my attention. I still look the same, same shaggy hair, same clothes only just a shade more red, but it’s my eyes that mesmerize me.

They’re still the same size and shape. Still in the same spot, but they’re a different color. Although that may not sound strange but the color they were was defiantly odd indeed. Instead of the usual brown, they were slivery white and seemed to give off a faint light but that was just my irises. The whites of my eyes were no longer that, the whites of my eyes, they were black as coal and seem to draw in all the light around them.

I stood there staring until I smelled something. I look away from my image and look to the man that was left. The front of his pants was wet and I could smell his filth from where I stood. “Who? No what are you?” he managed to say. The smile returned to my lips, “I’m your freedom from this world, and your guide to the next,” I said a slight rumble to my voice. I lunge at him and the last thing I remember was him bringing up his arms, trying to fend me off.

OoOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

That’s good

I liked were you ended it. That is where you should have left off the last time. It leaves the story at a fork in the road it can go anywhere which leaves room for speculation. Don’t worry about the spelling and the grammar that much. To tell the truth I am a terrible speller and my grammar is a nightmare. So you are a lot better then you think. Your story can go anywhere or that could be the end only you know, so I look forward to what you do next.

I also am a little inspired, I may rite my own story and post it.

:P i just read the 2nd half and maybe its just me but it didn't captivate me as much as the first bit. Somehow just lost its... hmm... "umph" if you know what i mean :P

might just be me :X

Awww /cry Thats cool I think where I left off of the last time was kinda the climax of that part of the story and this second half was kinda like a wrap up. But there is more to the story, you meet a few more characters and there's kinda a generic story line of revenge and justice blah blah but its more about the charcter and Adune and how they learn to "deal" with each other lol Anyway I'm working on getting a picture of Adune posted somewhere, I have sketches but no scanner so I'm trying to draw him using a program. Anyway I'll probably keep posting stuff on this thread if the interest is still there.

The intorest is still here I am just woundering if it is the end or are you just starting to warm up.

Well, I haven't had a lot of time to develop more of this story but I do have some continuations of this story here's a part a little further on in the story line. Personally I don't think its nearly as good as the beginning but that just means I'm going to have to work on it using the comments I get ;)

My head is throbbing and I can’t move my arms or legs. I open my eyes and look around. I’m sitting, tied to a chair, in a small warehouse it looks like.

“You’ve been running along time but now I finally caught up to you,” said a voice from a dark corner. Detective Richard Hanger, I recognize his voice instantly. He’s been following me for the better part of 4 months now. “Tell me one thing,” He said walking toward me, “How did you get out of that holding cell back in Chicago? Well it’s not like it matters because I’m going to make sure you never see the inside of a cell again. I’m going to make you pay for what you did, for what you took away from me."

I stare back at him, unmoved, unconcerned. I feel Adune stir inside of me. ‘No,’ I tell him. “I’m sorry, Detective but I’m a little fuzzy on the details; could you tell me what exactly it was that I took from you?” He backhanded me then; the blow rocked my head back and spots of light danced in my vision. “Don’t act like you don’t know! You know exactly what I’m talking about!” he screamed at me, “Why!? Huh? WHY!? Was it because I had something that you lost? Something that a man, a monster, like you could never hope to regain? You know there are rumors flying everyway about you, about the mysterious circumstances of the murders of those two men in your home. I’ve chasing you for these past few months, showing up just a few hours too late to catch you, but not too late to see the mess you left behind. Now I’m not so sure that those men really killed that girl, I’m beginning to think that it was you all along,” he hissed those last words at me.

I sighed inward then, feeling that deep void open up inside of me then. It was almost a year since then but the pain still felt as hot and sharp as it did that day. But that split second of sadness and sorrow lasted for but a brief moment and in its place there was anger. ‘Great, you did it now’ I told him silently as I felt Adune surge forward. Apparently thinking my silence was a confession of guilt I could feel his smirk. As soon as I regained enough control to speak I look up at him. “Detective, I must confess something,” I began, “You may choose to believe me or not. That is up to you but if you ever utter anything as senseless as those last words again…I won’t be able to promise your safety.”

I guess he saw something in my eyes that made him believe me because he seemed to cool down considerable after that. “Now as for what I took, if you’re implying your wife and daughter I had no hand in that.” ‘Well at least I didn’t kill them,’ I should say. “Right I’m to believe that? They found your prints at the scene, they found hair and a footprint that matched yours,” he was in my face now, “The bodies were torn apart like some animal got a hold of them. It matches you’re MO for God’s sake!” I laughed then. ‘They’re even more clever than I thought. Andres and Biron, I have no idea what you want with me or this thing inside me but you’ll pay for all of this.’

I looked back at the man. I felt sorry for him. No, I didn’t feel sorry for him; I pitied him; an ant running around a world of giant kids with magnifying glasses. I could tell him about Adune, Andres, Biron and a few of the “Others” that I have discovered but he wouldn’t believe me. He wouldn’t know where to begin. I feel something then, it’s faint but its growing stronger, a presence…no two. ‘Not this again.’ “Detective I would appreciate it if you would untie me and then leave this place,” I said as if I were asking the simplest thing in the world. ‘Too late, they’re here.’

He was shaking his head and had opened his mouth to respond when the wall at the other end of the small warehouse exploded in a shower of debris. Detective Hanger spun around, gun drawn and trying to get a clear look through the dust floating around. I felt a slight shift in the atmosphere of the room, an almost unperceivable balance to the “feel” of the room. “Get Down!” I yelled at him. He ignored me and took a few tentative steps forward. A crackling sound filled the warehouse and a strange light began show through the dust. “Get down now!” I tried again to get him to heed my warning but to no avail. I heard a distinct ‘pop’ and saw the detective go flying across the room.

I sat there seemingly calm but my emotions roiled within me. I could feel my restraint on Adune weaken by the second but what good was it now. I had to release my control, what else could I do? I felt the change begin in the pit of my stomach; fire rushing up from the depths of my being searing away doubt, fear, consequence. I felt it burn through my skin, filling me with a rage and fury. I felt the heat reach my eyes and then the familiar cold set in them. I broke the ropes that tied me to the chair and stood up. I saw a shape walking through the now settling dust.

"Biron, how good of you to stop by but I have to be going if you don’t mind.” I heard him laugh. “You should have better manners than that, Adune.” “Yeah! Don’t you know it’s impolite to leave just when friends show up!” I heard Andres from behind me. I jump forward and towards the left, towards the same shadowy place Detective Hanger stood. ‘If I can only get to the shadows I’ll be able to get away.’ A ball of energy explodes in front of me knocking me backwards. “You guys are determined aren’t you,” I say to them as I regain my footing, “But I already told you I won’t have anything to do with you.”

“Now how can you say that? After we came all this way here to see you,” Biron said.

“Come on Adune. You haven’t even listened to our proposal,” Andres piped in. “I’ve already heard it all from the other one,” I said to them and then I saw something I didn’t expect; Surprise. “What other one?” Biron said. “You can’t mean Flaxen, you were the one who took her out?” Andres said in disbelief. “What? You mean you two aren’t connected?” I asked. “Oh, no she was one of us but not in the way you’re thinking,” Andres said with an odd look on his face. “You think he’s lying?” he asked Biron. “I doubt it. Remember that weird power surge we felt?” “Yeah but he’s not capable to pulling that kinda surge off. He’s not even trained!” Andres said. “Trained or not trained he’s dangerous. We need to bring him in and I mean now.” Andres got a wicked look in his eye and started to chuckle, “Oh this is going to be fun.” “We’ll see about that,” I said back to him. “I’m not as primitive as you make me sound,” I told them as I took up my stance. “Bring everything you got, because anything less and you’re dead.”

*~*~*~*~*~

“Well that didn’t go as smooth as I thought it would,” Biron said popping his shoulder back into its socket. “Not even close,” Andres agreed, “and it didn’t help that we had to make sure that we didn’t kill him,” he finished as he felt to see how many ribs were broken or bruised. “He’s an interesting one I’ll give you that. Let’s get him back to the Station before he wakes up,” Biron said bending down, “He’s not going to be happy when he wakes up.” Andres chuckled again, “Good that means I get a rematch and next time I won’t be so gentle.”

I gotta say that you did better in this portion of the story than the 2nd :P if i had to say something though, it'd be that your speech dialogs confuse me quite abit. I tend to lose context of who's saying what in your speech.

Interesting none the less i guess. O.o If anything, improve the way you layout the story :P Other than that, good work haha