Harakiri-

Thank you for getting us grounded.
Although it was mentioned that all the new info won't be in the feature. It was just to help 'us' know all the background info thoroughly in order to better convey it to the viewer -

Cibo

Everything is background info, so this won't be explicitly illustrated in the feature

I feel we should stick to the story we have, instead of trying to start over.
We should be able to cut it down to 5 min or less with help from Harakiri's overview.
We can expand the animation later, if we want.

*I can help with the in-betweening if needed.

New Story Development:
From Hamster-

~ Selphina comes home from school to find pet is missing, asks mother, who says it "went away", so she runs out to look for it (2-3 cuts)

~ running around calling it's name, "where are you?" (1 cut)

~ cut to space wearing dress, noisy faded transmissions from spacecraft "where are you?" (1 cut)

~ cut to spacesuit and realization of being stranded. perhaps her comms equipment is out so she cannot respond. (1-2 cuts)

~ (optional) monologue - will she be rescued?

~ *lightning flashes (in orbit), she recalls the past again (as discussed)

~ dark clouds, rain. (1 cut) she gets wet and seeks shelter, finds a bustop(?) (1-2 cuts)

~ (optional) rationalizes that the pet is dead?

~ (considerable time has passed) so cold and hungry... (1 cuts)

~ "will I die here?" (interposition - superimpose both childhood and present - use transparency and both child and adult voices simultaneously)

~ she is found by an adult (parent?) "Let's go home" (1-2 cuts)

~ holding hands, walking home in the rain (w/umbrella) (2-3 cuts)
the afterlife conversation, naming a star for the pet-that-has-gone-away

~ cut to present, checks bearings and readouts. there is little time left, gives up hope of rescue. "which is my star?"

~ sun rises over orbital horizon, lens flare fade to white, faint noisy transmission from possibile rescuers

--------------------------------------------------

*A more thorough lightning transition scene:

cut to view of Selphina, showing her face through her helmet visor
*no music, mostly silence
eyes closed, we start to notice small flashes against her visor
a few at first, then more and more.
she opens her eyes slowly
cut to view of storms on the planet darkside
(perhaps she says something about them)
Cut to Selphina as she watches the lightning (thunder, rain audio slowly starts to enter**)
Cut back to planet view (audio gets louder) and we drift into the past memory (foggy dreamlike effect)
**Audio is from the next scene

Yup, Cibo and I just had a discussion and that's what came out of it. Just to supplement:

The story above comes from assembling a list of all the transitions and flashback ideas we had from before and tried to put it all together with Cibo's skeleton of the present-time in space storyline, fitting as much in as possible. Incorporates: lost and found, name a star, afterlife / philosophical, dress-in-space, lightning, etc.

Cinematographic notes:
I envisioned the childhood memories to be all with visual height of child, i.e. camera is 1.2 meters off the ground and all she sees are adult's waist-level and doorknob height. She might look up at the adults a bit, when they tal, or the adult stoops down or something. But like when she is sheltering in the bus stop, you only see the legs of the adult, and hear the voice, like, "saa, kaeruzou.." (Let's go home) ...it's sufficient. This also plays well with an earlier idea (I think it was from Harakiri) that there are no faces/ blurred faces in the flashbacks because she can't remember clearly.

Comments, critique, ideas, etc, etc, plzkthx. We're hoping to get to storyboarding soon, which should take a couple of weeks, and with some of that firmed up the backdrop artists can get started too.

Who's up for a bit of storyboarding? We thought it would be interesting to have a few people do different versions and then compare ideas, and combine and clean it up.

Woah, that sounds really good. I love those leitmotifs and the story now pursues a red string that ties together all events.
There is just one flaw: How can we introduce the viewer to the situation so that he/she is not confused? I mean, it starts with the pet and suddenly Selphina is in space. Two extremly different themes collide. Maybe we can have little Selphina sitting in a planetarium (kids love planetariums) before coming home or just coming home from the school's excursion to a planetarium and realizing that the pet's not there anymore. That would explain to the viewer that Selphina was always interested in space/stars.

hamstersanonymous

We thought it would be interesting to have a few people do different versions and then compare ideas, and combine and clean it up.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, it does sound good, and it's great progress. However, I agree with Harakiri. The themes don't really match. The whole her getting lost I guess and wondering if she'll die is a bit of a reach in my opinion. To me, it sounds like she ran out into the rain, found a bus stop after a while, went in and started wondering if she was gonna die.

Just to throw ideas out there, and these are off the top of my head and likely won't be very good, what if the star was named after her instead of a pet, that way she could have the though "At least I'll live on forever in that star" or something in that idea.

Also, expanding on Harakiri's idea, perhaps she could be coming home from the planetarium and get lost(?). Just an idea. I think it might envoke the whole lost/hopelessness theme a little better. Maybe not.

An idea for a transition, perhaps she could be found by someone (as a little kid) and they could say something like "there she is!" and it could overlap and be the voice coming through the radio at the end. Elaberating a little, perhaps two people are recorded saying that, and we can have it transition from one person saying there, they both say she, and "is" is said by the person on the radio.

I hope something I've said helps a little. :-)

harakiri

There is just one flaw: How can we introduce the viewer to the situation so that he/she is not confused? I mean, it starts with the pet and suddenly Selphina is in space. Two extremly different themes collide. Maybe we can have little Selphina sitting in a planetarium (kids love planetariums) before coming home or just coming home from the school's excursion to a planetarium and realizing that the pet's not there anymore. That would explain to the viewer that Selphina was always interested in space/stars.

Yes, the switch from childhood to the space scene bothered me. The planetarium is an idea. Or perhaps she did an essay for class "when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut". Yah, cheesy. Anyhow we do it, needs to be clear enough yet short enough (about 2 cuts), and transition neatly to her arriving home.

lukas8me

The whole her getting lost I guess and wondering if she'll die is a bit of a reach in my opinion. To me, it sounds like she ran out into the rain, found a bus stop after a while, went in and started wondering if she was gonna die.

Well, yes and no... I did give that some thought, but basically she is still a very young child at that time, children's minds are simple and innocent, so we can probably pull it off, given the death of her pet (which she doesn't fully understand yet). She can't find it, and it starts to rain, and she gets wet and cold and hungry... she thinks of the pet; if it were out there, will it die? Is it dead? Will she die? This is the rationalization part labelled 'optional' above, but on second thought we need her to realize the pet is dead, or at least, accept the euphemism that it has "gone away", in order to lead on to naming a star for it.

lukas8me

An idea for a transition, perhaps she could be found by someone (as a little kid) and they could say something like "there she is!" and it could overlap and be the voice coming through the radio at the end. Elaberating a little, perhaps two people are recorded saying that, and we can have it transition from one person saying there, they both say she, and "is" is said by the person on the radio.

Rather too obvious imho... I think earlier we'd more or less settled for a vague ending, this sounds a bit too positive. Was thinking more of very faded, crackled "come in, please" type of transmission for the end.

Sounds good. but if a viewer were to watch it the first time, they'll probably going to be confused and might have to watch it again and to get the story of the multiple switching from past events to present events. for example:

"~ running around calling it's name, "where are you?" (1 cut)

~ cut to space wearing dress, noisy faded transmissions from spacecraft "where are you?" (1 cut)
~ *lightning flashes (in orbit), she recalls the past again (as discussed)

~ dark clouds, rain. (1 cut) she gets wet and seeks shelter, finds a bustop(?) (1-2 cuts)

~ (optional) rationalizes that the pet is dead?

~ (considerable time has passed) so cold and hungry... (1 cuts)

~ "will I die here?" (interposition - superimpose both childhood and present - use transparency and both child and adult voices simultaneously)

~ she is found by an adult (parent?) "Let's go home" (1-2 cuts)

~ cut to present, checks bearings and readouts. there is little time left, gives up hope of rescue. "which is my star?"

its going to need some kind video effects to make the viewer identify the past events from the present events. .. just a suggestion but it might work.

Hey, the script sounds great but I agree with Harakiri too. There must be more elements which bring both plots together in a plausible story line.

Based on Harakiris planetarium-idea I developed a little scene. I hope you will like it.

- We see the dark space with glittering stars. (with a light camera movement to bring more life in the picture) Selphina appears, drifting through space, and she looks very exited because of her mission. (Maybe we can see a spaceship or the earth, too)
- Cut to a close-up view of her face on the left or right side. She looks at the stars. Now it comes to a cross-fade to Selphina as a child in the same perspective. The space-background in both views is the same.
- Cut to wide angle view. Now we can see that little Selphina is sitting in a planetarium and the stars are a projection. She stands up and leaves for heading back home.

I hope you can understand it. I'm not good in writing down my ideas in English.

Hmm, well first Welcome Asob :). 2nd I strongly feel we are going off of tangents now. We need to firmly establish a strong basis of what the MAIN moral of the story is. Childhood memories? Death? Isolation? Hope? So far we have a little bit of everything which i feel isnt too great for a 5min animation.

nudls

Sounds good. but if a viewer were to watch it the first time, they'll probably going to be confused and might have to watch it again and to get the story of the multiple switching from past events to present events.

I actually dont see a problem with that, I personally would like for the viewer to watch it once and go "...woah. what happened exactly?" (spark attention, watches again) "Oh, I see what happened " If you watch a few of shinkais shorter ones they require multiple viewings to undserstand them. I personally like that aspect :) because then its not a quick "Oh, that was cool" (click page back).

One more thing, I really dislike the pet idea. I mean I understand its hard to think of plots now'aday but cumon a lost pet? Just a bit tacky in my opinion. I really think that we can do better than that and also the pet idea dosent tie together well with the original plots: Isolation, impending death, hope. at least thats what I got out of it :)

Over and out!

~SLAKA

slaka16789

cumon a lost pet?

It's a DEAD pet, but her parents lied to her about it. I guess that wasn't clear enough from Cibo's post above since we were just copy-pasting from our chat log so some things are missing.

nudls

its going to need some kind video effects to make the viewer identify the past events from the present events. .. just a suggestion but it might work.

We will certainly do that, for instance, from seeing lightning from space to the memory of being lost in the rain - Cibo has got that transition worked out cinematically, and we will do the same for the rest as appropirate. It will also depend on the script, narration, and different voice for child/adult Selphina.

But part of the idea is really to interleave the past and present events and to draw a parallel between the two.

Asobinotori

- We see the dark space with glittering stars. (with a light camera movement to bring more life in the picture) Selphina appears, drifting through space, and she looks very exited because of her mission. (Maybe we can see a spaceship or the earth, too)
- Cut to a close-up view of her face on the left or right side. She looks at the stars. Now it comes to a cross-fade to Selphina as a child in the same perspective. The space-background in both views is the same.
- Cut to wide angle view. Now we can see that little Selphina is sitting in a planetarium and the stars are a projection. She stands up and leaves for heading back home.

Pretty good transition idea, we can use something like this, add it to the beginning. Ought to keep it short, though.

There is just a slight issue; previously all the events are after the accident, and "The viewer must assume that an accident occured." Whereas adding this scene means omitting the accident in the middle - from seeing the stars in space (before the accident) to the flashback in the planetarium, goes home, and coming out of the flashback, accident has already happened?

slaka16789

I strongly feel we are going off of tangents now. We need to firmly establish a strong basis of what the MAIN moral of the story is. Childhood memories? Death? Isolation? Hope?

Actually imho we're a lot more focused now than before, when it was more of throwing up random ideas; now it's choosing the themes and scenes we want and weaving it together coherently.

As for the theme, imho it's definitely not childhood memories! Isolation is part of the feeling we'd like to create, but death or hope is the real central theme I think. Coping with the concept of death as a child, and facing death as a young adult; those are strong themes, if we carefully tie the dialogue together, especially the more philosophical bits and name-a-star, etc. In that, there is some element of hope, perhaps that there is some afterlife, a better place to go to, or the end of mortal suffering. Plus the parallel being drawn in leitmotifs: getting lost, and then hoping for rescue.

slaka16789

Just a bit tacky in my opinion.

Well, granted it's rather cliche and rip-off-ish. But it manages to tie everything down together rather than just lots of little floating ideas for bits and pieces of scenes. I think we're still open to ideas at this point, so if you've got any good ones, now's the time. Just a note though, we're presently trying to build a complete story framework, where we just have to add dialogue and cinematography, and not just a scene or two.

slaka16789

the pet idea dosent tie together well with the original plots: Isolation, impending death, hope.

As I explained above, the pet is really actually dead. This ties in with the themes of death and hope as the young Selphina has to come to understand death and cope with it. It further establishes the reason for our little girl to run out and eventually get lost, cold, wet and hungry, which draws parallels with her present isolation in space.

As a side note, I'm going to be away until the weekend. I think Cibo will be able to clarify any other issues that come up with the story in the meantime, though, since we've already run through it together. Catchya guys later.

hamstersanonymous

There is just a slight issue; previously all the events are after the accident, and "The viewer must assume that an accident occured." Whereas adding this scene means omitting the accident in the middle - from seeing the stars in space (before the accident) to the flashback in the planetarium, goes home, and coming out of the flashback, accident has already happened?

Yeah, you're right. I thought about it by myself. I've come to an idea that the scene where little Selphina noticed that her pet isn't home and the accident in the present should be connected somehow, bacause both are terrible events in Selphinas life. But I have no usable idea right now.

A preliminary write-up of the screenplay

A few notes:
Pet's name will not be 'Fluffy McNutter' In fact, I think the name 'Lorelei' sounds good.
The pet will never be shown, only named. It is dead to start with, but the audience will find that out along with Selphina.

For the most part, in my mind, everything looks like it will work out.
Not everything is conveyed completely and balanced yet; just have to go through and thoroughly script it out.

Bare minimum # of cuts around 30, easily expandable to 45+
Missing sections indicated by ####Add more here####
Any questions? I am working to finish this, but I can expand/alter any part in particular.
*Cut that may need to be divided into more cuts
Cut times will vary from 1/2 sec to 10-20 sec

------------------------Screenplay by Cibo

Cut # - Description {Audio} "Dialogue" (Author info)


(Opening Title)
(Fancy? -> Fade in to background of stars (hints that this isn't just a story about a child's lost pet), {music- precursor of main theme}, slow scroll into atmosphere until city/woods visible at distance (transitions well into Cut 1). Title appears just before scroll ends. Music ends?, start Cut 1)

Cut 1 - Selphina is running alongside 1 foot cement wall, only show her legs (suggestion to save some work); animated legs, parallax scroll BG {fast footsteps}

*Cut 2 - Inside house, looking out of window, slight breeze; animated wind chime. {running footsteps come close and stop} Selphina: "I'm home!" Woman's voice: "Hi Selphina. How was your school trip?" (Sounding serious, hiding stress)

*Cut 3 - Selphina leaning against the front doorway frame, animated looking around, tapping foot. (Perhaps a petfood dish/toy noticeable in the foreground) {Dishes being washed} Selphina: "...Great. We looked at all the stars! ... Mom? .. Where's Fluffy?"

Cut 4 - Mother now standing still at the sink, her shoulder in the foreground, Selphina slightly visible in background. Mother: "..Fluffy? ... I'm sorry dear; Fluffy.. went away." Selphina looks toward her mother. Selphina: "What? Where?" Mother: "Just.. away. I'm sorry.." Selphina leaves the background. ... Mother: "Selphina?..."

Cut 5 - Front doorway, Selphina is gone.

*Cut 6 - Selphina searching outside, in the woods. Selphina: "Fluffyyyyyyy! Where are you?.." {Voice trails off with echo} Fade to black.

Cut 7 - Slow fade in. Distorted echo: "where are you?" (this may/may not be a real radio transmission, echo from her dream? leave it open to speculation?) Adult Selphina floating in space, her dress (same as child dress, indicating she's in a dream/memory) slowly flowing as if there's wind.

Cut 8 - Face close-up, she opens her eyes suddenly. Fast zoom-out to show Selphina in spacesuit. {heartbeat?} ####Add more here####

Cut 9 - Erratic looking around for ship, stars and planet in view. {fast breathing?}

Cut 10 - Selphina: "What has happened? Where's the ship?!" ####Add more here#### ~ (optional) monologue - will she be rescued?

Cut 11 - View of Selphina floating, 100 ft away, horizon visible. {rumble?} (this is to pass time, as to not be rushed back into her memory)

Cut 12 - View of Selphina through helmet visor, lightning flashes reflecting, her eyes move towards them.

Cut 13 - View of planet with lightning storms. {thunder and rain fades in} Fade to black.

Cut 14 - Flash {Thunder and rain} Not quite pitch dark. Top view, Selphina runs by in the rain. {Fast footsteps pass} (Pause 4 sec before next cut)

*Cut 15 - Selphina crouched in a small shelter, dripping wet. (Perhaps add another view of the shelter interior, derelict)

Cut 16 - Outside view of shelter from short distance (to show it's very isolated, not in populated area), heavy rain.

Cut 17 - Dark outside, slower rain. Selphina crouching. {sobbing} Selphina: "..so cold" {rain, crickets} ####Add more here####~ (optional) rationalizes that the pet is dead?

Cut 18 - Selphina(child and adult): "will I die here?" - superimpose both childhood and present (I have a good idea of how to accomplish this; will refine and update soon)

Cut 19 - ####Add more here#### ~ she is found by her father (1-2 cuts)

Cut 20 - ####Add more here#### ~ walking home in the light rain holding hands with her father (he is holding umbrella over both of them) (2-3 cuts) the afterlife conversation, naming a star for the pet-that-has-gone-away

Cut 21 -

Cut 22 -

Cut 23 - Sky view, stars visible. 'Choose a star to name for Fluffy.' Slow zoom towards a particular star in the sky. {Rumble fades in}

Cut 24 - View of same stars, scroll around to show Selphina floating in space.

Cut 25 - ####Add more here#### she checks bearings and readouts. there is little time left, gives up hope of rescue. "which is my star?"

Cut 26 - (Accepts death?)

Cut 27 - Orbital horizon, the sun rises with a blazing lens flare. Fade to white. {faint noisey transmission is heard}(gives hint of possible rescue)

Cut 28 - Credits with beautiful music, Main theme.


As for dividing it between childhood and present-time, I am not paying much attention to that, just going by what seems to play out right. We can always add more cuts in order to strike a balance.

If for any reason we need to add more background info (for viewer comprehension), and we can't squeeze it into the story, perhaps we can make a short preview/primer that will play before the animation. Just a thought.

I will add on more cuts and details as I get time to work on it. For now, please make suggestions.

Sounds good!

cibo

Pet's name will not be 'Fluffy'

where'd you get fluffy from XD

cibo

Cut 18 - Selphina(child and adult): "will I die here?" - superimpose both childhood and present

how are we going to do that scene?

Hmm, well the pre- screenplay laid out by cibo gives me a better understanding of the Pet idea. But I am still a bit uneasy about it, I agree that it is a good element to weave together the wild ideas we have going on but I still would like to maybe find a better element than a pet. If I am the only one who feels this way thats fine :) 1/10 people's opinion dosent matter in the end. On another note, I have a question of what is going to be used as a majority of the piece. (3min childhood/pet? + 2min-space?) vise versa?

Hamsteraynonomus

We thought it would be interesting to have a few people do different versions and then compare ideas, and combine and clean it up.

I suppose that this would be good, to adjust the time around a bit near the end.

I will go with the pet idea, I just would like to make sure that we all agree on isolation, an impending death and hope being the main theme factors. When I read the pet idea, it lead me to the "Childhood memory" type feeling.

ONE MORE NOTE: Are we splitting the movie completely to half as child (2.5min) and (2.5min) space? or will it be more cut up like (start) .5min space, then 2min childhood, then 1.5min space, then .5 childhood and .5 space (end)?

~Slaka

I thought I'd repost since alot has changed:

- A preliminary write-up of the screenplay -

A few notes:
Pet's name.. Lorelei? or Lorilei pronounced 'Lo-ree-lay' . I like the folklore associated with it.
'Loreley, one of the beautiful Rhine Maidens who lured navigators to their doom'

The pet will never be shown, only named. It is dead to start with, but the audience will find that out along with Selphina.

For the most part, in my mind, everything looks like it will work out. I've changed a few things around to make it flow better.
Not everything is conveyed completely and balanced yet; the END in particular needs more work.

(?) Indicate an idea that may need altering
Music/sound cues will help with transitions and emotions.
Bare minimum # of cuts around 30, easily expandable to 45+
Sections that need expanded indicated by ####Add more here####
Dialogue still needs quite a bit of work...
(*) Indicates a cut that may need to be divided into more cuts
Cut times will vary from 1/2 sec to 10-20 sec

Cut # - Description {Audio} "Dialogue" (Author notes)


------------------------Screenplay by Cibo


(Opening Title)
(Fancy? -> Fade in to background of stars (hints that this isn't just a story about a child's lost pet), {music- precursor of main theme}, slow scroll into atmosphere until city/woods visible at distance (transitions well into Cut 1). Title appears just before scroll ends. Music ends or changes, start Cut 1)

(If starting in space, perhaps intro shows Selphina floating at a distance, unconscious (tumbling slow-mo?). This would look very surreal and be quite effective with the right audio. Title, fade white into cut 1. Requires fade, to signal change in time period. Scrolling down to the planet would not let viewer know the time changed.)

Cut 1 - Selphina is running alongside 1 foot cement wall, (only show her legs?) (animated running, parallax scroll BG) {fast footsteps}

*Cut 2 - Inside house, slight breeze at window; animated wind chime. {running footsteps come close and stop} Selphina: "I'm home!" Woman's voice: "Hi Selphina. How was your school trip?" (Sounding serious, hiding stress)

*Cut 3 - Selphina: "...Great. We looked at all the stars!" Selphina leaning against the front doorway frame, animated looking around, tapping foot. (Perhaps a petfood dish/toy noticeable in the foreground) {Dishes being washed by her mother} Selphina: "... Mom? Where's Lorelei?"

(her mother, returning from errands, had seen a dead animal some distance from the house, but did not realize it was Lorelei until she got home and discovered the pet was missing. Selphina arrived soon after... this fits with Selphina finding the dead pet later...
Or perhaps the pet died and parent's already 'disposed of' the body. Either way, the mother should not make it terribly obvious the pet is dead, something the viewer will later realize is very apparent.)

Cut 4 - Mother stops working; now standing still at the sink, her shoulder in the foreground, Selphina slightly visible in background. Mother: "..Lorelei? ... I'm sorry dear; Lorelei.. went away." Selphina looks toward her mother. Selphina: "What? Where (did she go)?" Mother: "Just.. away. I'm sorry.." Selphina leaves the background. ... Mother: "Selphina?..."

Cut 5 - Front doorway, Selphina is gone. Slow zoom

*Cut 6 - Selphina searching outside, in the woods. Selphina: "Loreleeeeeeeeei! Where are you?.." {Voice trails off with echo} Fade to black.

Cut 7 - Slow fade in to stars. Distant echo: "where are you?" (this may/may not be a real radio transmission or echo from her dream.. leave it open to speculation) (Orbit shot?), scroll around to stop on adult Selphina floating in the distance.

Cut 8 - Cut closer, slow scroll from foot to head, her dress slowly flowing as if there's wind (same as child's dress?, indicating she's in a dream/memory)(this will be a fullscreen, hand animated sequence). Camera rests at her face.
Face close-up (visible shoulders), she opens her eyes slowly as her dress fades to a spacesuit. {Rumble fades in} (blinks for a moment)

Cut 9 - (bezier zoom out to a far distance) (audio cue will help here)

Cut 10 - Erratic looking around for ship, stars and planet in view. {fast breathing?} ####Add more here####

Cut 11 - Selphina: "What has happened? Where's the ship?!" ~ (optional) monologue - will she be rescued? ####Add more here####

Cut 12 - View of Selphina floating, 100 ft away, horizon visible. {rumble?} (this cut is to pass time, as to not be rushed back into her memory)

Cut 13 - View of Selphina through helmet visor, lightning flashes reflecting, her eyes move towards them.

Cut 14 - View of planet with lightning storms (long enough for viewer to realize what it is) {thunder and rain fades in} Fade to black.

Cut 15 - Flash {Thunder and rain} Not quite pitch dark. Top view, Selphina runs by in the rain. {Fast footsteps pass} (Pause 4 sec before next cut)

*Cut 16 - Selphina crouched in a small shelter, dripping wet. (Perhaps add another view of the shelter interior, derelict) {Heavy rain}
{sobbing} Selphina: "..so cold"

Cut 17 - Outside view of shelter from distance (to show it's very isolated, not in populated area)(Besides a single light in the shelter(?), it is dark for miles around), heavy rain. (Fade to black)

Cut 18 - (View of shelter light (if any), flickering) Pitch Dark, medium rain. Selphina: "Lorelei.. Is she okay? I want to see her again." (Cut to another view of shelter interior) "What if she's gone forever? What if she's dead?.." {rain, crickets}
(Cut to view of Selphina's face) Selphina: "Lorelei... I'm lost. I can't find my way back..."
(She gives in to the fact that Lorelei is probably dead, which she may/may not understand. Need a good train of thought to convey this properly.)

Cut 19 - (Shinkai-san Text Cut?) Selphina(child and adult): "Will I die here?" {Main theme trumpets (sad?)} (signals turning point)
(superimpose both childhood and present visually somehow?)

Cut 20 - View of Selphina head down. Footsteps come near and stop. Selphina looks up.

Cut 21 - Her father's legs, low point of view. Father: "Let's go home"

Cut 22 - Both walking, Selphina clinging to his side, very light rain. (he is holding an umbrella over the both of them) ####Add more here####
(He explains that Lorelei has died, and it is something she must accept. Afterlife(?), etc.)
(Shot of the moon, sky clearing?) Rain stops

Cut 23 - (Selphina is looking up at Father, Selphina's viewpoint) Father: "To make it easier (to accept).. name a star in the sky, so you'll always remember her." (he lowers the umbrella so she can see the stars)

Cut 24 - Looking around at the stars (scrolling around the starry sky, slows and settles on a particular star, slow zoom). {Rumble fades in}

Cut 25 - Cut to Selphina as she is looking at her star(?) Selphina: "I'd forgotten.." {Rumble}

Cut 26 - She checks bearings and readouts on her wrist comm. (There is little time left)

Cut 27 - (Looking around) ####Add more here####

Cut 28 - (She gives up hope of rescue) ####Add more here####

Cut 29 - (She accepts her death) ####Add more here####

Cut 30 - Orbital horizon, the sun rises with a blazing lens flare. Fade to white. {faint noisey transmission is heard?}(gives hint of possible rescue)

Cut 31 - Credits with beautiful (sad?) music, Main theme.




The main sections that need work are the cuts when Selphina realizes she's stranded, and then the ending sequence. Right now the space sections seem short, but they may end up at least even in the end.

I've left out any note about a fiance'. Perhaps some mention to the effect, she has no one who cares. The lack of a lover adds another facet to her 'loneliness'.

In the early scenes there needs to be something to let the viewer know this is her pet they're referring to. Either show the dead pet at some point, add something into the conversations, use a common pet name, or show something visual like a pet collar or recognizable toy.

As for dividing it between childhood and present-time, I am not paying much attention to that, just going by what seems to play out right. We can always add more cuts in order to strike a balance.

If for any reason we need to add more background info (for viewer comprehension), and we can't squeeze it into the story, perhaps we can make a short trailer/primer that will play before the animation. Just a thought.


More ideas came up when scripting (*new):

Extra story sections? -
...
runs to look for pet
cut to space
Selphina discovers that she's lost
contemplates rescue
*Sees Orbital sunset
*Cut to sunset in the woods
*Selphina finds her pet's body - adds a bit more grim tone
*She starts to cry and realizes she's lost
*walks away as it starts to rain
*Cut to space
*Selphina thinking about death
Sees lightning
cut to storm in the woods
she takes shelter
cries for her pet
starts to think she may die
rain slows
father appears
...


Extended Storyline Overview:

Selphina is part of a 5 man crew on a mission to put an experimental research satellite in orbit.
During the installation, something went wrong, causing the equipment to swing into the ship.
On it's back swing, Selphina was hit.
Unconscious, she flew for miles. The ship disabled.
She dreams of what inspired her to become an 'astronaut'; a school trip to the planetarium.
She follows the event through her mind, and continues in her memory..

(Feature Start)
[Flashback]
She remembers that when she came home, her pet Lorelei was missing.
She ran out to look for Lorelei, even though she heard her mother calling from behind her.
She looked for hours, even after it started to rain and get dark.
Then she became lost.
It was storming heavily so she took shelter in an abandoned bus stop.
[/Flashback]

She wakes, the ship is nowhere in sight.
Selphina is stranded in space, completely alone.
Thinking of her situation, she retreats into her memory

[Flashback]
Cold and dripping wet, she gave in to the fact that Lorelei was probably dead.
"Will I die here?" she thought.
She was trembling.. lost, tired and hungry.
The rain gave up after awhile.
Then, footsteps drew near.
It was her father, he'd found her.
"Let's go home" he said, holding out his left hand and clutching an umbrella with the other.
They walked home, Selphina clinging to his side.
He explained that Lorelei had died, and it is something she must accept.
"To make it easier," he says, "name a star in the sky, so you'll always remember her."
[/flashback]
She'd forgotten, it's been so long...
She searches the 'sky' all around her, "Which is my star?..."
As she finds it, she starts to cry, knowing that she may die here.
Suddenly, the sun rises over the orbital horizon.
It's beautiful; Selphina accepts her death.
A faint radio signal hisses over the comm.
(End of Feature)

Selphina looks around, and there it is
Her ship revealed in the distance, sunlight reflecting
She radios back, with restored hope
They fly over to pick her up
As they near, she starts to notice severe damage on one side
She is saddened by the sight
Her colleagues explain the dire situation
"There is no way to repair the damage..."
"The ship will burn up if we attempt to re-enter the atmosphere"
Her happiness is soured; they will all die together.
Her good friend, injured earlier
He tells of how they had to scrap the satellite in order to rescue her
"This entire mission has been a loss."
...

(:-/ Sorry going too far..)