cibo

Cut 8 - Cut closer, slow scroll from foot to head, her dress slowly flowing as if there's wind (same as child's dress?, indicating she's in a dream/memory)(this will be a fullscreen, hand animated sequence). Camera rests at her face.
Face close-up (visible shoulders), she opens her eyes slowly as her dress fades to a spacesuit. {Rumble fades in} (blinks for a moment)

i think the story should start first in the space,

"my opinion of the story"

(1.) (counting) 1...*selphina touches the control* 2....*selphina puill the control down* 3.... launch.! ( the spaceship launches)

(2.) (then seplhina remembers her childhood)...*selphina* i was small (cut) we see her parents legs (cut) *selphina* when my parents died (cut) we see her house being attack by bugs(an artificial alien etccc,*we will discuss this later*) we see her house exploding leaving her behind alive and her parents dead,

(3.) then back to the space ship( she is going to fight the bugs, she is one of the space soldiers BTW) she see one she fires,,, boom!! miss....* selphina* damn those bugs...(cut) we see the bugs attacking her ship.. selphina panicks and remember her childhood again...*selphina* i don't want it to happen again...(cut) we see her *child* walking in the streets with a torn cloths on...


to be continued.....( if you like what i wrote PM me, i will continue it, kinda doing something now,, sorry)

Hmm, sorry xyrick but I really think that that story goes far off topic from what we are attmpting to reach in our 5min. animation. Here is my Input on the story (Was posted in the Design Topic on accident)

Okay, well like I mentioned earlier I had an idea of how I could see the story going.
- My Idea is to incorporate the original Selphina and fiance with the Childhood pet.

(none of this is final, just pre-thoughts AND this is waaay too long I am just writing out how I could see it, obviously All of it would be shortened I just wrote dialouge so you get what type of mood etc.)

Scene 1 - (Open - starfield etc.) Selphina floating in space, diffrent angles etc. eyes shut. *Cut- noise* selhpina *Cut - noise*

Scene 2 - (Open city sidewalk) Footsteps of Young Selphina running. Selphina sniffing. (approaches doorway) *door slams*. "Where is she!" Selphina says. Mother: "Selphina, I ...Listen She isnt in our grasp any longer." Selphina: "What do you mean!?" Mother: "I am sorry." *Selphina runs*

Scene 3 - (Open footsteps running, Dialouge in thought) "Why! what does she mean 'isnt in our grasp any longer'"! *approaches hill/forest/wilderness area

Scene 3 - *selphina dropps knees on the ground, gazing into the starry sky* "Why..."
(Young childhood friend approaches) Boy: "Selphina..." Selphina:"NO! Go Away!" *cries*. Boy: Selphina I ... I heard what was wrong. I am sorry. Listen, Look up at the sky what do you see... see that star right here *points* That is (name). She is no longer with us, but she will be watching you from the sky!" *selphina sniffles, and trusts boys words and stares at sky with hope.

Scene 4 - *Noise - Cut - Noise - Cut - Noise - Cut to original space picture of selphina floating.) "Why...What? What Am I...whats happened to the crew." cut to spacesuit and realization of being stranded. perhaps her comms equipment is out so she cannot respond. (1-2 cuts)

~ (optional) monologue - will she be rescued?

~ *lightning flashes (in orbit), she recalls the past again (as discussed)

~ dark clouds, rain. (1 cut) she gets wet and seeks shelter, finds a bustop(?) (1-2 cuts)

~ (optional) rationalizes that the pet is dead?

~ (considerable time has passed) so cold and hungry... (1 cuts)

~ "will I die here?" (interposition - superimpose both childhood and present - use transparency and both child and adult voices simultaneously)
(Now Memory of past)
~ she is found by an (adult and fiance, adult for childhood and fiance for older) "Let's go home Selphia, its not your stars time to shine" (1-2 cuts)

~ holding hands, walking home in the rain (w/umbrella?) (2-3 cuts)

~ cut to present, *Selphina opens eyes* checks bearings and readouts. there is little time left, gives up hope of rescue. "Is it time for my star to shine ?"

~ sun rises over orbital horizon, lens flare fade to white, faint noisy transmission from possibile rescuers (Fiance onboard?).

FIN

Main points:
~ Deals with the pets death (death theme) while gaining trust (hope theme)
~ Still shows a glance of the accident, mainly cuts from past from past and present to get audiences attention to say (Hmm..., I think I know whats going on bot not 100%).
Problem: 5min? I duno because the whole section in the beginning is kind of long, but like I said feel free to cut it down entierly I just wanted to get the main point across.

ONCE AGIAN! remember If this whole post is not of your liking feel free to toss it. I am not the main writer, this is just a resolve that I liked to mix the original story (Isolation + Fiance) with the newer pet story.

Sorry if it dosent make sense feel free to PM me with question

~Slaka

Xyrick-
I was also thinking it may be nice to give at least a hint of space to start, but without being too straightforward.

So far, Selphina is not the pilot. And launching a space vehicle is much more complicated than pushing the throttle, or pulling a lever.

Bugs? Space Soldiers? Starship Troopers?
From feedback so far, I think we are building a mature emotional animation, rather than action sci-fi.


Slaka- (some of this I've sent you already, just including for the sake of discussion)
Starts in city sidewalk, leads to woods, etc. - She must live near the edge of a city, or else she ran for a long distance.
(I visualized her living in small town, near forest/woods. Think Totoro. Easy to get lost.)

Your 'child' Selphina seems a bit older than the one I'd imagined at 5 yrs or so.
Quote: "She isnt in our grasp any longer" - would a parent say that to a really young child?
"She went away" is vague, and at first Selphina takes to mean her pet 'ran away'; later understanding it to mean she 'died'.

Quote: "Why! what does she mean 'isnt in our grasp any longer'"! - is this showing she doesn't comprehend the statement, or that she doesn't understand the meaning?

The part where she is found by the adult- is this continued from the first memory, or another altogether? Where did the boy go? I'm not sure what's going on.

Quote: "Let's go home Selphina, its not your stars time to shine"
-as if the adult was listening in on her conversation earlier


Seems a bit jumbled and inconsistent, but there may be some ideas we can use.

-drops knees on the ground, gazing into the starry sky* "Whyyyyyyyyy!" lol

Hi guys,
Sorry for the late reply, I'm just dropping by that I'm hopeless at story development and I think you guys are doing really well so far. I hope my schedule frees up a bit soon so I can get back into contributing in this project.

Gambatte!

cibo

Bugs? Space Soldiers? Starship Troopers?

hehe, i was thinking of adding some villain in the story, about the space soldier( she got to have a reason why is she in the space isn't she?)

Well Overall, I agree with cibo on that note xyrick. We will not be adding any supervillians though. Even with the main theme being in space, we are not creating an action sci-fi.

I'm back, gimme a couple of days to catch up with the latest and sort out my own ideas. Nice to see much activity and progress. ;Þ

Ah ok, fine with me, well goodluck

I agree with the setting of living, almost like the city in Kanon.

cibo

"She went away" is vague, and at first Selphina takes to mean her pet 'ran away'; later understanding it to mean she 'died'.

Well cibo, i intentionally made it sound vauge so that the user can guess "Did the pet run away? Or die?". Also leaving Selphina in the same thought process. The age that I was imagining selphina at is more around 7 1/2 years old. Old enough to go to school, have a few friends, yet have a connection with her future fiance; but young enough to still have very childish aspects on life and not have a direct 'love' toward her future fiance.

cibo

"Why! what does she mean 'isnt in our grasp any longer'"! - is this showing she doesn't comprehend the statement, or that she doesn't understand the meaning?

This is supposed to show that she understands something terrible has happend. As of this point the cat could be dead, at the pound, ran away. Either way selphina's reaction would be similar. A confused and crying little girl. For instance, have you ever been having a good day and all of the sudden a vast amount of information too hard for you to take at one time is pushed upon you? Well its a similar thing + its happening to a young child.

cibo

The part where she is found by the adult- is this continued from the first memory, or another altogether? Where did the boy go? I'm not sure what's going on.

Well, I was attempting to add the part that You guys posted beforehand and with what I had wrote. This part can be revised. What I had in mind is, well first remember that right now selphina is remembering this at the last hour of her life after being stranded, hungry and etc. so to me I thought that her memories would'nt so 100% consistent and perfect, somewhat delusional? SO when she thinks back to the day on the hill she is remembering herself (6-7...8?) remembering what her future fiance said. And putting it into her current state.
So when we see the actual scene, it would be herself (current) at first crying on the hill (just like when she was young) then her fiance OLDer (current) "selphina, come home its not your time to shine."

sorry for confusion, i bet that last paragraph didnt help much though. >.<

~Slaka

Had a tough time catching up with all the new developments and sorting out the ideas and compartmentalizing... >_<

Rather than plunge into the screenplay, I'd like to start by putting my 2 yen up on a few things that have been discussed.


Pet name
Imo, Lorelei is too difficult a word. I appreciate the attempt to allude to other folklore/mythology, but seriously, which small girl will give her pet such a hard name? Also, the reference is rather far-fetched imho and most viewers wouldn't get it anyway. I'd honestly have preferred Fluffy. >_< Anyhow, let's give this a bit more thought.


Time/Cut allocation
Imo, we shouldn't worry so much about how much of screen time is in the present and how much is in flashbacks. Agreed with Cibo, what is important is to get the story across and to tell it correctly; to tell enough, not more and not less. So I wasn't so keen reading the discussion over how to split the time up or the number of cuts. We have a simple enough story, so if we go with it and don't add unnecessary bits it will be well manageable in around the 5 minute time that we have targeted for.


City setting
Suburban or small town verging on rural seems fair enough. More like Kanon than Totoro, really.


Childhood friend? Fiance?
My initial reaction: Where'd the childhood friend come from?
Rationally, based on Slaka's suggestion, there are a few issues:

1. The conversation they have (about the pet -> star) is scheduled to be the conversation between parent and child on the way home later on. In the timeline, it is daytime when Selphie runs out and gets lost, and only turns dark after the rain, so stars are not visible at this point in time.

2. I imagine a small boy about her age. I don't think he's mature enough to talk like that.

3. Need to resolve how come he knows the pet is dead.

4. As Cibo already noted, the amended conversation with the adult ("not time for your stars to shine") seems to suggest that the adult knew about the earlier conversation?

Slaka, I see your trying to merge with some of the earlier ideas for a boyfriend/fiance/husband character, but I wonder whether we really need to include such a role in order to carry off the themes we have selected? Addition of a key character like this will require more exposition to introduce their background and relationship - the audience doesn't know who this boy talking to her is, they don't know he later becomes her fiance, they don't know that he is also an astronaut and is on the way to rescue her, etc... all these will require explaining and that means more and more cuts to be included. (Btw, I thought the rescue part was going to be left vague.)

Imho I don't perceive it worth the additional scenes since there are discrepancies to be addressed and it doesn't contribute significantly to the thematic development.

However, I *really* like the phrase and idea of "time for your stars to shine" becoming a lietmotif throughout the story, let's see if we can use that.


Opening/Trailer
Just my 2 cents that there shouldn't be too fancy opening, keep it really short, like the one in "She and Her Cat" or similar.

As for a trailer - let's avoid that. Seems silly to make a trailer for such a short film. Imho let's aim to keep it all neatly self contained if possible.


Extended Story
> http://www.animepaper.net/groups/cibosanime/49478/6/#ID620071

Nah, let's not do that bit about finding the damaged ship and realizing they're all going to die together. I really liked the vague ending, at least I can wish she got rescued. =D


Space soldiers!
DO NOT WANT! >_< Please, Xyrick, we set out from the beginning to do something serious, something inspired by Makoto Shinkai.

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Comments about storyline bits.


Selphina goes home, talks to mother, then runs out.

I have some slightly different ideas about this part, which I will write out fully later; for now, my comments:

- The mother being evasive doesn't seem to work so well, I will try an alt. ver where she tries to explain that the pet is "no longer with us anymore", but little Selphie doesn't really understand what that means and thus goes out to look for it.

- Dialogue language. I agree with Cibo on the phrasing, it should be something at a child's level, rather than Slaka's suggestion "isnt in our grasp any longer" <- too stiff and difficult.


Rationalizing the death of the pet.

Agreed this needs work.



"Will I die here?"
(Shinkai-san Text Cut) <- winning idea. Let's do it! ^^


Found by parent.

@ Cibo, I actually always imagined it to be the mother. =b
(When we discussed, I said "parent" just to see what you'd come up with and sure enough, different ideas. =b)

More seriously, the advantage of using mother would be that the audience has already met her earlier and knows who she is. Saves an extra introduction, and we can also boast of fewer characters lol.


Walking home.

Let's try reworking this with a bit of Slaka's idea, something like the pet has gone to the stars, their "star is shining" and "will always shine upon you".

----------

Other stuff.

I recently watched Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo (The Girl who Leapt through Time) torrent link in the cinema and I thought it was really well done... the story premise and dialogue are all easy to understand and realistically pegged at the high school level, same as the characters themselves. (There were even parents who brought children to go see the movie, I think it was simple enough to understand.)

The reason why I mention this is that I envision that the flashback portions of the story should realistically be simple enough, to reflect the child state of mind of Selphina at the time. This affects things like I mentioned earlier about the pet's name, the difficulty of language, etc. I always believed an excellent film is made of: simple story, simple dialogue, yet deep meaning; easy to understand but with great emotional impact.


Anyhow, I am currently trying to put my ideas down, doing half-and-half screenplay and storyboard so as to convey things better. Hope to have something to show in a few days.

I agree with the pet's name being hard to say but that's not what we're concerned about . that's least important. changing it or not is not going to affect the story. other than its nice development ont the story. just waiting for that final draft.

Quick reactions:
Good point about the pet name.. I like the name Lorelei, so I threw it out as a suggestion.
Perhaps a simple adjective or descriptive noun, as children tend to name pets according to their attributes.

As for the setting, Totoro was a bit exagerated on my part, we do need that 'near-city' setting.

The 'Extended Story' was a bit of rambling, gomen.
I just wanted to expand on a few ideas; not for actual consideration.

Evasive mother... oops, I always head for the uber-dramatics.
The caring mother sounds much better.

Found by parent... This part, I'm not sure about. It is a scene that will help build Selphina's character, so it needs to be handled well. (This seems like it would be a father's duty to me. Father works during the day (not home when Selphina arrives), comes home late and Selphina is missing in the woods. Father leaves to find Selphina...) This is how I see it:

Found by Mother - Audience may assume her father is dead/missing. This would change how she is percieved. She lacks a father figure in her childhood, causing a weakness in her subsequent relationships. But it could also be percieved that, despite this fact, she is determined to succeed in life; since she eventually becomes an astronaut/scientist, etc. She is strong, but not without flaws.

Found by Father - She has a strong male influence as a child; a more traditional family. Perhaps she is brought up to be proud and strong, therefore successful in life. She has fewer flaws; ..may the viewer still connect with her.. ... hm, I thought I had more arguments in favor of this option...

When can we expect a final screenplay so that we can begin to work on the visualisation? Somehow the project has lost energy since we stuck on minor adjustions.

Cibo

Pet's name.. Lorelei? or Lorilei pronounced 'Lo-ree-lay' .

It's pronounced "Loh-rè-ly" correctly. As already mentioned, taking names from folklore might be not coherent considering it is a child's pet. Somehow I also don't see an apparent conncetion between the story about the Rhine mermaid and our movie.

How about simply borrowing a name from a Disney movie or from some children's book?

hamster

Space soldiers!
DO NOT WANT! >_< Please, Xyrick, we set out from the beginning to do something serious, something inspired by Makoto Shinkai.

Shinkai? Erm, wasn't Mikako in "Hoshi no Koe" a space soldier on a mission to defeat aliens? xD

slaka

I agree with the setting of living, almost like the city in Kanon.

Where actually does Selphina live btw? In the States or in Japan? We would need to adjust the architecture in this case. If we decide on Japan we should also care about cultural stuff so it would be easier to take a setting in the States.

hamster

Seems silly to make a trailer for such a short film. Imho let's aim to keep it all neatly self contained if possible.

I don't agree with that. We could use a trailer with 15 seconds of rather randomly but interestingly combined footage to attract some people to help us on finishing the project. We don't need to explain the story in the trailer but maybe just mention a key sentence like "Is it time for my star to rise" or something like that.

harakiri

When can we expect a final screenplay so that we can begin to work on the visualisation? Somehow the project has lost energy since we stuck on minor adjustions.

My bad. This recently started internship is taking a lot more out of me than I'd expected so I'm falling behind on the promised screenplay stuff.

harakiri

We could use a trailer with 15 seconds

That's more like a really short teaser if you ask me... but yeah, that would be possible. When I said trailer I meant something closer to a whole minute or longer.

Yes, a film by Shinkai is the AIM here. If you dont know him you should hehe it would really help you get a grasp on the task we are trying to do. See Voices of a Distant star, She and Her Cat, The place promised in our earlydays and byousoku 5cm.

~SLaka