__THISRES__80689.jpg "Morbidity by `sjade1 2 weeks 5 hours ago")
Jokes and riddles and such
1 year 3 weeks ago
Hello all out there im Gilead you can call me gil hey you or whatever i don't really care but you figure since all the tabs are locked ill make a new one where we can post jokes we have heard out there that we like. so ill get started with one i heard yesterday.
Ok so there is a Mexican Iranian and a redneck gal in a bar having a drink. the Mexican slams back a shot and tosses the glass in the air pulls out a revolver and shoots the glass into a thousand pieces and says " in my country we have so many glasses that we dont have to drink from the came glass twice."
the Iranian finishes his drink then throws his glass in the air and pulls out an ak 47 and manages to blast away the glass as well as half the bar, and he says " in my country we have so much sand it glass is very cheap so we too do not have to drink from the same glass twice. "
The red neck gal slams her shot back pulls out a .45 and shoots the Mexican and Iranian and says " well im from Texas and we have so many illegals there we dont have to drink with the same ones twice." XD
Ok so there is a Mexican Iranian and a redneck gal in a bar having a drink. the Mexican slams back a shot and tosses the glass in the air pulls out a revolver and shoots the glass into a thousand pieces and says " in my country we have so many glasses that we dont have to drink from the came glass twice."
the Iranian finishes his drink then throws his glass in the air and pulls out an ak 47 and manages to blast away the glass as well as half the bar, and he says " in my country we have so much sand it glass is very cheap so we too do not have to drink from the same glass twice. "
The red neck gal slams her shot back pulls out a .45 and shoots the Mexican and Iranian and says " well im from Texas and we have so many illegals there we dont have to drink with the same ones twice." XD
SPOILER (click to view)
1 year 2 weeks ago
So you guys hear the one about the little cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
XD
XD
SPOILER (click to view)
1 year 2 weeks ago
All right heres another i got from my filthy grandpa ( i tell you if you start talkin to your grandparents youll find they can be rather funny =D )
One night the Famous French fighter pilot Jack Cusack was having dinner with Madam Fifi.
partway through dinner Fifi says to Jack " Would you like to kiss me on my lips?" Jack replied " Why yes i would" so he took some red wine from his glass and splashed some on her lips. Fifi was surprised and said " Jack! why for you do this? " Jack replied " i always have red wine with my red meat." and jack tenderly kissed her lips until the red wine was gone.
A little later Fifi said to Jack " Would you perhaps like to kiss me a little lower
?" Jack replied " Yes, anything to please Madam Fifi." So Jack unbuttoned Fifi's blouse and took off here bra. Then he took some white wine and splashed some on her chest. " Fifi again surprised asked " Jack why do you do this?" Jack replied " I alwasy have white wine with my white meat." so he tenderly kissed her until the wine was gone.
Then Fifi asked Jack, " Would you like to kiss me even lower?"
Jack replied " My pleasure comes form your pleasure Madam Fifi." So Jack took some brandy and threw it on her lad and lit it on fire. In a very excited state Fifi leaps out of her chair trying to pat outthe flames while yelling " JACK WHY FOR YOU DO THIS TO ME!!" Jack replied " I am the famous French fighter pilot Jack Cusack and i only go down in flames!"
One night the Famous French fighter pilot Jack Cusack was having dinner with Madam Fifi.
partway through dinner Fifi says to Jack " Would you like to kiss me on my lips?" Jack replied " Why yes i would" so he took some red wine from his glass and splashed some on her lips. Fifi was surprised and said " Jack! why for you do this? " Jack replied " i always have red wine with my red meat." and jack tenderly kissed her lips until the red wine was gone.
A little later Fifi said to Jack " Would you perhaps like to kiss me a little lower
?" Jack replied " Yes, anything to please Madam Fifi." So Jack unbuttoned Fifi's blouse and took off here bra. Then he took some white wine and splashed some on her chest. " Fifi again surprised asked " Jack why do you do this?" Jack replied " I alwasy have white wine with my white meat." so he tenderly kissed her until the wine was gone.
Then Fifi asked Jack, " Would you like to kiss me even lower?"
Jack replied " My pleasure comes form your pleasure Madam Fifi." So Jack took some brandy and threw it on her lad and lit it on fire. In a very excited state Fifi leaps out of her chair trying to pat outthe flames while yelling " JACK WHY FOR YOU DO THIS TO ME!!" Jack replied " I am the famous French fighter pilot Jack Cusack and i only go down in flames!"
SPOILER (click to view)
1 year 2 weeks ago
Ok heres a few quick ones.
SO an irish man walks out of a bar.
A horse walks into a bar the bartender says "Why the long face"
A seal walks into a bar.
hehe hope not all of those went over your head. =P
SO an irish man walks out of a bar.
A horse walks into a bar the bartender says "Why the long face"
A seal walks into a bar.
hehe hope not all of those went over your head. =P
SPOILER (click to view)
Hahahahaha......those stuff are hilarious gil!but the funniest thing is that you would just keep sayin the jokes while there was no1 to joke with!XDyou are really great!keep up the great work!
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come and claim yours at 
1 year 1 week ago
Hey np if you know a joke you can post them up too i dont mind sharin the spot light!
ok nother one
SO these two little boys Tod and Sam are sitting in their front yard playing and they notice that a man walks up to the house across the street and knocks on the door. A lady comes and the man gives her a five dollar bill and they both walk inside the house. about a half hour later the man comes out of the house and walks away. Tod turns to Sam and asks, "Hey do you know what just happened in there?" Sam replies "No do you?" Tod answers " No but i want to find out you got any money on you?" Sam says " Yeah about 15 cents, how much do you have?" Tod responds, "I have 25 cents." so they decided to pool their money together and go over to see what goes on in the house across the street. They knock on the door and when the lady came to the door they gave her their 40 cents. The lady look at them then beat the crap out of them and then slammed the door. Tod the speaks up and says, " Man I'm sure glad we didn't have a dollar!"
ok nother one
SO these two little boys Tod and Sam are sitting in their front yard playing and they notice that a man walks up to the house across the street and knocks on the door. A lady comes and the man gives her a five dollar bill and they both walk inside the house. about a half hour later the man comes out of the house and walks away. Tod turns to Sam and asks, "Hey do you know what just happened in there?" Sam replies "No do you?" Tod answers " No but i want to find out you got any money on you?" Sam says " Yeah about 15 cents, how much do you have?" Tod responds, "I have 25 cents." so they decided to pool their money together and go over to see what goes on in the house across the street. They knock on the door and when the lady came to the door they gave her their 40 cents. The lady look at them then beat the crap out of them and then slammed the door. Tod the speaks up and says, " Man I'm sure glad we didn't have a dollar!"
SPOILER (click to view)
Hahahahaha!!that's a good one!i have one too!!here it comes i hope you like it ^_^:
so there were a guy from Greece one from Turkey and one from Japan and argued whose God is real.
so they got up at a skyscraper and first jumped off the jap and kept sayin
"boudha boudha boudha" 10 floors later , 20 and he suddenly stopped in the middle air.
then the guy from Turkey jumped:"alaah,alaah,alaah"*did i spell it right??*nothin happened and he felled on the street
then jumps off the guy from Greece:"jesus christ jesus christ jesus christ"
10 floors later 20 floors....nothing "jesus christ jesus christ"30 floors 40 floors nothing again "jesus christ jesus christ jesus christ BOUDHA BOUDA BOUDA"
so there were a guy from Greece one from Turkey and one from Japan and argued whose God is real.
so they got up at a skyscraper and first jumped off the jap and kept sayin
"boudha boudha boudha" 10 floors later , 20 and he suddenly stopped in the middle air.
then the guy from Turkey jumped:"alaah,alaah,alaah"*did i spell it right??*nothin happened and he felled on the street
then jumps off the guy from Greece:"jesus christ jesus christ jesus christ"
10 floors later 20 floors....nothing "jesus christ jesus christ"30 floors 40 floors nothing again "jesus christ jesus christ jesus christ BOUDHA BOUDA BOUDA"
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1 year 5 days ago
LMFAO i have to say i never heard that one before.
ok heres an older one
So this older lady staggers into a bar, obviously drunk, and walks up to the bartender ans says "Barkeep! Give me a Martoony!"
So the bartender makes up her drink and hands it to her and says "Here's your Martini ma'am."
Little bit later the lady says again "Barkeep make me another Martoony!"
So the bartender makes her drink again and says "heres your Martini Ma'am."
After some time goes by the bartender asks "Would you like another Martini before the bar closes?"
The lady says " No i got some heart burn from the last Martoony i had Barkeep."
The bartender then replies " Ok first off its BarTENDER not barKEEP, second it's marTINI not marTOONY, and lastly you dont have heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."
ok heres an older one
So this older lady staggers into a bar, obviously drunk, and walks up to the bartender ans says "Barkeep! Give me a Martoony!"
So the bartender makes up her drink and hands it to her and says "Here's your Martini ma'am."
Little bit later the lady says again "Barkeep make me another Martoony!"
So the bartender makes her drink again and says "heres your Martini Ma'am."
After some time goes by the bartender asks "Would you like another Martini before the bar closes?"
The lady says " No i got some heart burn from the last Martoony i had Barkeep."
The bartender then replies " Ok first off its BarTENDER not barKEEP, second it's marTINI not marTOONY, and lastly you dont have heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."
SPOILER (click to view)
1 year 5 days ago
Why are Levi jeans and a cheap hotel the same?
There's no ball room
=P
There's no ball room
=P
SPOILER (click to view)
1 year 5 days ago
Ok so there's these two hobo's walkin down the railroad tracks and they come across a dead animal that had been there for a few days.
The one Hobo says to the other "I can't take it anymore its been days since i had something to eat." So devoured the whole carcass.
About an hour later he puked up what he just ate. the second hobo then says " ha I knew if I waited I'd get a warm meal"
The one Hobo says to the other "I can't take it anymore its been days since i had something to eat." So devoured the whole carcass.
About an hour later he puked up what he just ate. the second hobo then says " ha I knew if I waited I'd get a warm meal"
SPOILER (click to view)
1 year 4 days ago
One more for tonight maybe...
Just a side not before we get started, a spittoon is a jar/jug /container where you spit out your chew tabacco it was fairly common back in the old west. ok enjoy.
So a guy walks in to a saloon and walks up to the bartender and says " i's been days since I've had a drink pleas you gotta give me something." bartender replies "Sorry but i don't hand out free drinks."
The guy the replies " Please I'm desprate I'll take anything but all I got is 50 cents."
The bartender thinks about it for a second then says, " Ok for 50 cents you can have one drink from the spittoon."
The guy agrees and hands the bartender his 50 cents, picks up the spitoon and starts to drink it. * Gulp Gulp Gulp*
The bartender shout " HEY I SAID ONE DRINK!"
The guy replies, "Sorry but it all came out in one string."
I found this joke was great to tell at the dinner table specialy when you dont want people eating alot of somthing you might like. =P
Just a side not before we get started, a spittoon is a jar/jug /container where you spit out your chew tabacco it was fairly common back in the old west. ok enjoy.
So a guy walks in to a saloon and walks up to the bartender and says " i's been days since I've had a drink pleas you gotta give me something." bartender replies "Sorry but i don't hand out free drinks."
The guy the replies " Please I'm desprate I'll take anything but all I got is 50 cents."
The bartender thinks about it for a second then says, " Ok for 50 cents you can have one drink from the spittoon."
The guy agrees and hands the bartender his 50 cents, picks up the spitoon and starts to drink it. * Gulp Gulp Gulp*
The bartender shout " HEY I SAID ONE DRINK!"
The guy replies, "Sorry but it all came out in one string."
I found this joke was great to tell at the dinner table specialy when you dont want people eating alot of somthing you might like. =P
SPOILER (click to view)
Gross!!!it was disgusting gil!!but still i laughed 
i have a good one i think:
A man is sitting at the river-side and fishing.Suddenly a cow merges out of the water and says:
-Hey old man give me a cigarette.
The man gives the cow a cigarette and lightens it up.the cow smokes the cigarette and says:
-Thnx man!!i'll be going now!
And dives in the water.The old man turns around and stares at his dog shocked and unable to speak.And the dog says:
-What are you looking at?i'm stoned myself!
Feel free not to laugh......it was kinda silly i know......
i have a good one i think:A man is sitting at the river-side and fishing.Suddenly a cow merges out of the water and says:
-Hey old man give me a cigarette.
The man gives the cow a cigarette and lightens it up.the cow smokes the cigarette and says:
-Thnx man!!i'll be going now!
And dives in the water.The old man turns around and stares at his dog shocked and unable to speak.And the dog says:
-What are you looking at?i'm stoned myself!
Feel free not to laugh......it was kinda silly i know......
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11 months 3 weeks ago
Hehe that was pretty good. =P
ok i got a quickie
so this pilot decides to see how high his helicopter can go. So he starts to climbin altitude and he goes higher and higher and higher, then suddenly it starts to plumit from the sky. The copilot yells " WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!"
The pilot turns and says "It was too friggin cold so i turned the fan off."
ok i got a quickie
so this pilot decides to see how high his helicopter can go. So he starts to climbin altitude and he goes higher and higher and higher, then suddenly it starts to plumit from the sky. The copilot yells " WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!"
The pilot turns and says "It was too friggin cold so i turned the fan off."
SPOILER (click to view)
Hahahahaha gil!that was hilarious!!!i'll find another joke and be back later!plz look forward to it!!^_^
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11 months 2 weeks ago
So a priest, a rabbi and the hulk walk in to a bar...hulk smash, joke over. Pretty lame, no?
#639471 Quote Report Edited by ~Umbrellacorp26 11 months 2 weeks ago
